Codependent parenting has been around for a long time but not many people recognise the term. In the codependent style of parenting, oftentimes the parent seems to be kind, loving and caring. They consider themselves as selfless individuals who do everything for their kids. But in reality these parents are overly sensitive to the moods of the children and set up unhealthy dynamics with them. Codependency is usually used to describe abusive romantic relationships but it can also manifest in a parent-child relationship. If you’d like to know more about how to identify a codependent relationship and ways to deal with it, this is the article for you. Read on to know more!
What Are Codependent Parents Like?
Since codependency is rarely used to describe a parent-child dynamic it can be hard to notice the markers of a codependent parent. Codependency is often used to describe addiction. And although substance abuse may not always be prevalent in codependent individuals, it can be roughly chalked up to relationship addiction. This is when the parent is heavily emotional and mentally dependent on the child. They seek constant validation and base their own wellbeing off of that of their kids. They also rely on them for self esteem, happiness and mental stability. This is also why codependent parents can be so controlling and tend to spiral or have breakdowns when they feel like they’ve lost control over their child. They can lash out, causing the child to carry the heavy burden of doing precisely what is asked of them in order to pacify the parent. This can take a great emotional toll on kids which can be extremely detrimental to them in the long run.
Tips To Overcome The Codependent Parenting Issue
If you recognise that you are in this type of dynamic with your parents, and are wondering what to do or realize that you are a codependent parent and would like to change your dynamic for better, we’ve got a few tips to help you.
1. Seek Professional Help
Dealing with a codependent parent can be extremely overwhelming and you might need the assistance of a professional to help you resolve conflicts with your parents or help you begin your journey of standing up for yourself. These therapy sessions can also help you sort through past relationship problems and ensure that you resolve them so that they don’t adversely affect the relationship you have with your own children or any other relationship you make moving forward. This will consequently reduce your own dependency if you are the codependent parent so that you can have a healthy relationship with your kids.
2. Have Respectful And Open Communication
If you are a codependent parent and are in the habit of lashing out on your kids when things don’t seem to go your way, it is paramount that you learn to keep your composure and work on staying calm. No matter how insecure you are feeling at the moment, it is important to realize that you did not have children for your own happiness. They are their own people with their own ideas and needs which need to be respected. Learn to communicate with them openly instead of manipulating them emotionally. This will help burst your outburst cycle and will help your kids understand you a little better.
3. Convey Positive Intentions
Make sure you let your kids know that their value doesn’t stem from pleasing you or other people. Your little ones deserve to know that love and respect are unconditional and reciprocal. They don’t exist to cater to you, nor you to them. So apologize if you overstep their boundaries and make amends and efforts not to overstep their limits and repeat abusive behavior. Remember, your kids are not in charge of your happiness and sense of fulfillment. It is up to you to make relationships and find purpose for yourself.
4. Avoid Micromanagement
Sure, kids make mistakes and can’t do something as well as you, but they are still figuring things out. Give them the freedom and opportunity to learn and grow instead of constantly intervening in every activity that they do. It’s okay if they haven’t eaten a banana in the morning or decided to do their homework a little later. They need the opportunity to make decisions and face challenges in an age appropriate manner. Manage your own anxiety and expectations and learn to let go of trivial things. It’s not the end of the world if your child doesn’t do something the minute you tell them to. After all, they are not robots.
Being a codependent parent or dealing with one isn’t a good feeling. It can be draining and unhealthy for everyone involved. So, make sure that you address the issues in this dynamic as soon and as healthily as you can.